Peace of Mind

I’ve contemplated long and hard if it was right to write my reunion story seeing as there has not been a reunion, but I feel my story needs to be told for myself, as well as anyone else who can benefit from my experience.

I gave up my son for adoption 25 years ago and all through those years I have wondered and prayed for answers to know I did the right thing. Every year on October 11th I would become sad and withdrawn. I know how much this hurt my husband and daughter, but it was beyond my control. All those years of never knowing, does he have good, loving parents? Is he happy and well adjusted? Does he know he is adopted and if so, does he wonder about his roots?

All through the years I would start a search, then stop feeling it was wrong. I didn’t have the right to know. Then my father became terminally ill with cancer and I thought, 'what better gift could I give him than the information both he and I so desperately wanted to know.' I got on the Internet and found a web site called I.C.A.R.E, a Wisconsin Adoptee - Birth Family Registry. I registered with them not really believing it would go anywhere... but what the heck. 

The next morning I received a call that they thought they had found my son. They came up with a match through World Wide Registry and were eagerly awaiting an answer from them. Mary and Diane are the founders of I.C.A.R.E. and kept in contact with me all along. We waited a week with no answers. Mr. Gray of the World Wide Registry said he had made contact and was waiting for a reply. After an agonizing week of waiting we found out Mr. Gray had matched me to myself. How ironic that a registration sent in who knows how long ago from a birth mother was mistakenly placed under adoptee. I question the Mr. Gray's system to say the least!

How devastating this was for me. I went from having found my son WHO WAS ACTIVELY SEARCHING to nothing. I was ready to give up, but not Mary and Diane. These two women are incredible. Their job is not doing active physical searches but because of my situation they made an exception. They were efficient and thorough and on November 16th I got a phone call saying they had found him. 

On the 24th Mary called to say she was making the call and would call as soon as she could. He was receptive to our talking and called me that evening. How wonderful to hear his voice, to listen to him talk and realize this was my son, my flesh and blood. I talked to him a few other times, asking questions, searching for answers, trying to see what he was really feeling. I asked him if he would make an old man happy before he died and call my father. What a burden I placed on his shoulders, to call a man he didn’t even know who was dying. What was I thinking?

On December 8th my father started to lose consciousness and was slowly preparing for death. Our family gathered together on the 9th knowing he had a very short time. During the last stages there was a phone call and it was my son, I was shocked he knew I was there and even more shocked when I learned he was calling to talk to my father. Even though my father was unconscious, my son asked to have the phone put to his ear. I don’t know what he said, but I am sure it made his journey just a little bit easier.

I realize now my son is not ready to deal with all the baggage that comes with our reunion and I made my last call to him just before Christmas. I told him it was okay to step back for now and that I would give him some space until he is ready, if that ever happens. 

You see, my prayers were answered the day Mary made the call and he in turn called me. He is happy, healthy, beautiful, (I have a picture). All the things I needed to know so who am I to demand more now? I have found my peace that I so desperately searched and longed for all these years and now it is time to let go of the past and look to the future. Maybe someday he will want to be a part of it.

Thank you Mary and Diane for being such wonderful friends to me and my family. We will always be eternally grateful for all that you did.

Tina