We're All Together

I've always loved being adopted. My mother wrote a beautiful story on one page of my baby book, describing their first visit to our pastor to discuss adoption, their meetings with the staff at Lutheran Social Services, their waiting period and then THE phone call to come to see me. I honestly believed my parents walked into a room full of babies, looked around and pointed at me, saying, "That's the one, we'll take HER." I know it wasn't quite like that, but my parents have always made me feel that special.

Two years later a baby boy entered our family - a second adoption in our family. Again, our parents never kept our adoptions a secret from us - we were always made to feel very special - we were chosen!

While growing up I had some questions and occasionally wondered about my birth parents. I suppose it's natural to wonder if I resemble either of my parents. My adoptive parents are tall and thin, quite opposite of me. In High School and early College I did begin to question my heritage. I grew up in a family of German descent and both my brother and I were told we were German, too. My parents later admitted that this was because they wanted us to feel like a family. They had learned about our heritages at the time of placement, but did not remember any details. 

My parents let me see my adoption papers, thinking my nationality was listed in the papers. No nationality was indicated, but their adoption papers did indicate the name of my birth mother. So, for the first time I had some information to begin a search. However, I always felt that searching for my birth family was a rather selfish thing . . . that there were several people to consider:

My birth mother/father: Was this information they had shared with their families?
My adoptive parents: Would they feel as though they had somehow "failed" if I decided to search for birth parents?

So . . . every year on my birthday I thought about my birth mother. Mostly I just wondered if she might be thinking of me. How could a woman give birth to a child, place her for adoption and NOT think of her at least on the anniversary of her birth? Although we never talked about it until recently, my own mother told me that she thought of my birth mother on each of my birthdays, too - thanking her for giving my parents a child.

From that time until two years ago I never really thought much about a search. When I turned 50, I began to think about searching a bit more, primarily for medical information. As any adoptive person knows, providing a physician with any medical history is nearly impossible. 

The computer age is so helpful in these situations. I quickly found information on adoption search agencies and by a chance I discovered ICARE, specializing in Wisconsin adoptions. 

In the fall of 1998 I registered with the information I had available to me at the time. Because I had my birth mother's name, the county and her age when I was adopted, I thought it would be a snap. However, no match was found and I could not provide any other information. Mary, one of the two founders of ICARE, advised that I contact my parents to see if more information might be in my adoption papers.

Since both of my parents are now in their 80's and we live in different states, this was not a request I wanted to make over the telephone - especially since I had not shared the fact that I had begun a search.

In November of 1999, one year after registering, my husband and I visited my parents in Wisconsin. During our stay with them my dad brought out all sorts of papers for David and I to look through - baptismal certificate, confirmation certificate, high school and college diplomas AND my adoption papers. I knew to look through the papers with a meticulous eye. I discovered I had remembered the spelling of my birth mother's name incorrectly, but her date of birth was also listed.

After returning to California, I again contacted Mary at ICARE. This time she felt she had enough information to find my birth mother. Within 48 hours she responded with unbelievable information: my birth mother had passed away in 1992, her husband had also passed away in 1996, but that she had located five possible siblings, of whom 3 were confirmed to be my siblings!

Mary was going to send me all of her documentation. Timing is everything and her package arrived while we were on vacation prior to Christmas, 1999. My first opportunity to look through the material was during the Rose Bowl game (coincidentally, Wisconsin was playing) on January 1, 2000.

Oh wow! I was thrilled and overwhelmed at the same time. What should I do now? How do I proceed? A phone call seemed too abrupt - "Hi, I don't know if you are aware of this, but I am your sister!" I decided to write a letter to the 3 siblings Mary could confirm. I started at the beginning, not knowing what they might know. I could include names of grandparents, the wedding date of my birth mother, and the witnesses at their wedding. 

I sent the 3 letters via Fed Ex as I wanted them to each receive the letter on the same day. Now that the letter was written and sent, I had to try to resign myself to the fact that I have always lived with my adoption - this would perhaps be new information for these 3 people. Perhaps I would never hear from them, as they would dismiss the letter - I had to be prepared for any or no response. 

I sent the letter on a Tuesday. It was delivered the next day, Wednesday. Thursday afternoon I was in our kitchen beginning to prepare for dinner. Our home phone rang and I KNEW! I answered as usual, "Hello, this is Judi." A male voice said, "Judi, this is your little brother." The emotions were rampant - tears of joy, excitement, nervousness, anticipation.

Ralph, Jr. or Rocky was on the other end of the line. He went on to say, "You sent this letter to 3 of us." I said, "Yes." He said, "There are 5 of us." Oh my gosh - the two siblings that could not be confirmed ARE siblings. Rocky had more news . . . he told me that no one knew about me or my adoption and that he and his two sisters to whom I had also sent the letter had spent Wednesday and Thursday trying to investigate my claim. They talked with a few remaining relatives and friends of family who did not know about my adoption, either. They finally located the female witness who presided at my birth mother's marriage. She is my mother's niece. She was able to confirm the fact of my birth and to share with Rocky that their father is also my birth father: we are full-blooded siblings!

We were interrupted with Rocky's "call waiting." He excused himself momentarily and returned to say "your sisters were on the phone, wanting to know if we had talked yet." He said "They are anxious to talk with you." He provided me with phone numbers of everyone so we could talk. Needless to say, dinner was a bust that evening and I spent hours on the telephone, talking with each brother and sister. E-mails began to fly back and forth, along with pictures. 

My brothers (2) and sisters (3) COMPLETELY welcomed me to the family. I had one brother, now I have two more plus three sisters. I had two nephews, now I have added nine more nieces and nephews! 

We made plans to fly to Wisconsin for a reunion and to celebrate my parents wedding anniversary. I have to admit that my parents were a bit concerned at the beginning, my mother wondering out loud if "I would have enough love for everyone." I feel that things happen for a reason. It's unfortunate that I did not have the opportunity to meet and know my birth parents, but I can do so through the eyes of my siblings. My own parents can hopefully feel less "threatened" as there is no chance for them to wonder if I am making a "choice." They, too, have welcomed my brothers and sisters to our family.

Because of a major snowstorm, only Rocky, Tami and her husband, Brian, my parents and David and I were able to meet on that Friday night. We embraced, laughed, and cried. The next morning Tami and Brian picked up David and me and drove us to Racine, where my other siblings and their families were awaiting our arrival. Rocky drove on his own, so we could all be together

It was an emotional day . . . meeting brothers and sisters for the first time, meeting their spouses and children, taking LOTS of pictures, visiting the family home and the cemetery. More emotional than even I had anticipated. 

That February weekend was just the beginning. We flew back to Wisconsin to spend Easter with our new family members. We talk regularly on the phone, send constant e-mail messages and are planning for future trips. Tami and Brian will be here for a week's vacation at the end of May, Denise and Dave and planning a visit, too. Rocky will be nearby for a conference in March and we hope to find time to meet.

I could not have asked or anticipated a better outcome. I do have regrets that it took this long to find I had biological connections, but we are all trying to be positive about having the future together. 

No words can truly express my gratitude to Mary and Diane at ICARE for their efforts on our behalf. I know they have disappointments, but to know they were instrumental in such a reunion must provide a good night's sleep! I am forever grateful!

-Judi