Tearing Down the Brick Walls

May, 1989 –
"I can’t believe I’m finally pregnant, after a year and a half of trying!" were my thoughts. They quickly turned to thoughts of genetics. What sort of things could I pass down to my child? Who might my child look like?

It was my adoptive mother who requested my non-identifying information from the agency that I was placed with. That was so awesome and unselfish of her!! But I was cautious. I surely couldn’t pursue finding her, my birthmother. How could I betray my mom like that?

The letter to my Mom begins, "There is some unsettling information. You may want to be there with her when she reads this." What could this be? It mentions a Psychotic relationship, Schizoid tendencies, Epilepsy, Hysterical behavior, and more. Wow. "Does this bother you?" my Mom asks. "No." I say. Was that what she wanted to hear?

June, 1995 –
I’m 30, a kind of a landmark age, as are all the decade markers. I have my two healthy children, a boy and a girl. But who am I? Who do they look like? Where did my son get such beautiful blue eyes? Oh, and what about Cancer? I have this overwhelming desire to find out where I come from!

I finally get on the Internet, and I hear, through an adoptees chat line, about AIML. I subscribe. Then I hear from this wonderful woman named Diane, who is this PRO at searching. I am so excited. She interprets my non-identifying, and gets all kinds of hidden information out of it. It’s amazing! She is able to narrow it down to seven possible names, and then tells me the most likely name. My head is spinning. She tells me what to do, and I do it. My first brick wall.

She gives me the next possible name. I research and am able to come up with a possible birthmother, and a phone number. I’m so nervous. What do I say when I call? Diane gave me good advice and also told me half way through that this name wasn’t panning out. But anxious to find her, I futilely drudge on. I make the call, and it’s my next brick wall.

I put this search thing on the back burner many times during the next three years! Diane says I need to get more information. It’s too overwhelming for me. I try a few of the things she suggests, to no avail. I wander in and out of depression.

July, 1998 –
I decide to go for it. I will send my request to the state, and pay the price. A few weeks go by, and a few conversations with the State Search Coordinator are under my belt. She says it shouldn’t be too long.

August, 1998 –
I get this letter in the mail saying that my search will be about $85.00 per hour for all of the information that I’ve requested. I’d better call and confirm what it is that I am asking for. "Oh, I was going to call you today" the search coordinator says. "There is a letter of affidavit from your birthmother in your file that releases her information to you."

I am ready to burst! After all this time, I could have had the information, and at no charge to me. It’s a miracle! The search coordinator wants to make the first call to prepare her for my call, but her number is no longer in service. She gives me her name, Kathleen XXXXX. Just like that, I have her name. I call directory assistance, and get the number. I don’t even think about it. I just dial. I’m sure she won’t be home, after all it’s the middle of the day, and the middle of the week. The phone rings, four times…

"Hello?" Oh my God, it’s a real person. "Is this Kathleen?" I say. "Yes" she says. Then it hits me, what do I say? I hmm and haw, then I say "I would be your birth daughter." I hear this joyous "Oh My God!" It is so awesome! We talk and talk. She wants to meet me today. I’m not ready for this. She understands. We talk more. She still wants to meet me today. "OK" I say.

All in one day, I find out her name, meet her, and two half sisters, two nieces, a nephew, and half brother-in-law. It’s so hard to process this. It’s like I’m watching a movie. There is another half sister and a niece in North Carolina. Everyone is so nice and considerate of my feelings. And "Kate" is not psychotic, epileptic, hysterical, or schizophrenic. She had a rough time growing up, as do many of us. I totally understand, even though I had a wonderful childhood, with wonderful parents.

Thank you, Kate.

It’s been less then a year, and she is attending college now. She is very busy, but we keep in touch. We’ve been together a few times now, and email each other fairly regularly. I will be attending the wedding of my half-sister in June of 1999.

Thank you Diane and Mary! You were there through all of my self pity and excitement! You’ve given me closure to my many unanswered questions. Now to find my Birthfather…

Jody