Fourth of July is a time of celebration for most people. To me, it was a reminder of the night I went into labor, delivering my baby the next morning. Every year was a cutting reminder as I watched the fire works explode high above me, recalling the fierce pains that exploded through my body as I strained to bring forth the life within me.

Emotionally I was drained and unable to provide the stability of a home and two parents for my child. I chose Adoption, knowing that she would have all I could not provide. It broke my heart to let her be taken from the room, knowing I’d never see her again.

I was trying to get my own life back on an even keel. The after math of a bitter divorce, loss of employment, and an unplanned pregnancy drained all the fight from me. I was struggling just to survive. I tried to console myself and make myself believe that the relinquishment of my child was in her best interests. Somehow, it didn’t relieve the pain I felt.

I thought about her through the years but I didn’t know that Searching was an option. I began to see the "Reunions" on Oprah and The Sally Jesse Raphael Show. It made me want to Search. Finally, I decided that I would Search. I began to write letters, seeking information and trying to find a clue that could lead me to my daughter. The year was 1990 and things seemed like "Now was the time."

Shortly there after, I lost my job again and I decided to relocate down south and be near my family. I put my search on the back burner as I packed my things for the 1100 mile trip. After the move, I settled in and began to get comfortable. Somehow, the time slipped away and life kept me busy. 

My daughter was now going through a divorce and she was so mixed up. She wasn’t functioning properly and I was caring for my grandson on a regular basis. I wanted to be her support system. The support system I never had, when I went through my divorce years ago. When she came to me and said she was going to relinquish her son for Adoption because she didn’t feel she could care for him properly, I protested. I tried to explain all the emotional guilt I had over the years and how I wish I could go back and do it over. I took custody of my grandson to keep her from repeating my mistake. I knew in time, she would get herself under control and be able to take him back.

Eight months later, my grandson went home to be with his mother and my life settled back down. Shortly thereafter, I learned about I.C.A.R.E. and I wrote to Mary, asking for her help in finding my daughter. I waited to hear from I.C.A.R.E. with news about my search. Mary called four weeks later. My search was over. When I heard Mary say, "I’m sorry, your daughter passed away seven years ago in an auto crash," it felt like someone kicked the air from my lungs as I gasped. I couldn’t believe the words I was hearing. The tears welled up and exploded, as I cried NO! 

Mary tried to console me and my friend held and comforted me, however, the grief and the loss I felt, reminded me of 27 years earlier when I had given her up for Adoption. The feelings were the same. The loss was overwhelming as Mary told me everything she learned about my daughter. 

The guilt was tremendous as I calculated back seven years ago to when I first commenced my Search and then put it on hold. It was just a few months prior to my daughter’s death. If only I had gone forward and found her. Would it have changed things?? I’ll never know and I pray that her death was all part of God’s plan and I trust that He has a reason why were not reunited.

The grieving process for me is slow, but "Time" is a healer. All of the "I wish’s" in the world won’t change things for me. 

Mary was able to make contact with my daughter’s adoptive brother and we have established a bond. He has sent me pictures of my daughter, Lori. Pictures are all I will ever have. 

To all of you who are undecided about actively searching, may I say, "Don’t put it off until it’s too late, for tomorrow may never come."

     Lynne